How not to rescue a nerf-herder

I watched Return Of The Jedi the other day, and it struck me how utterly crap the plan for rescuing Han from Jabba was. Although it all turns out quite exciting in retrospect, they had no way of predicting the turn of events and so most of what they do makes no sense. Observe:

A sensible plan:

  • Get one person to infiltrate Jabba’s staff – as a guard or something.
  • Unfreeze Han in the middle of the night, and scarper.

A not very sensible plan (Concocted by somebody who thinks he’s a Jedi Knight even though his training has consisted of balancing some rocks in a swamp and giving an old man a piggyback around a pond.)

  • Get one person to infiltrate Jabba’s staff - as a guard or something. This person is to do nothing at all. Probably best if this is someone completely untrustworthy - ideally the person who was responsible for Han’s capture in the first place.
  • Give Jabba two droids for no reason whatsoever.
  • Someone goes in in disguise and gives Jabba a Wookie. Attempt to gain Jabba’s trust by threatening to blow him up. Hang around, soak up the atmosphere.
  • Send in “Jedi” to bargain with Jabba for Han’s life, even though you’re already pretty committed to a rescue plan. Under no circumstances should “Jedi” be armed. It’s probably safer to give lightsaber to one of the droids. Try not to stand on any really obvious trapdoors.
  • The disguised person unfreezes Han and scarpers. Everyone goes home safe and sound…
  • … except for the two droids and the Wookie, who are imprisoned or enslaved at the palace. Consider rescuing them at a later date.

Do you know who would’ve done a better job? Mal Reynolds. In and out in three minutes. Bish bash bosh. Job done.